I've been isolating myself partially because I'm just getting over a cold. The other part? Well I've been trying to fight my own demons. Handle things as a maturing young adult but now I realize I can't do it alone. Nor can I do it as fast as I would like.
It feels like I'm slow dancing in a burning room watching the walls crumble around me as the record skips...
Painfully beautiful it is, to grow up. People are right you're biggest obstacle is YOU but somewhere in the last 20yrs I've become a chamelion. I can manifest myself into every doubt, insecurity and person that scares me from succeeding.
When you are surrounded by anything it becomes apart of you. These negative things is all I see. My mother's drug habit spiraling out of control. My father's fight with his own pride vs his actuality. The voice of my aunt who thinks my writing/poetry is taking me nowhere. Wondering who's gonna take care of the family when she dies. The cancer turning my only grandma into a helpless victim. Bills strangling the little we have to survive on.
Just some of the things that I see in the mirror or hear instead of my own voice when I take the stage. I want to move & get to a (literal) place where I can access my thoughts but I don't know exactly where that is. So...I'm here. Miserable. Alone. Avoiding You!
I wrote this poem called Desert Storm: Ode to Sahara which is truly me being vulnerable and sharing one of the biggest ghosts that follow me. But each day I think what if its not "good enough" for the uw slam. Like why should I give a f*ck! But making this team is important to me. I have nightmares about it.
So I take each day on my own...pace slowly and try to journey towards this woman I want to be. Its hard ya'll, and I'll need help but I find myself being too prideful to ask for it.
"I lost my smile but put on my vest" (Blu)<-----one of my fav rappers & Below the heavens seems like the only thing comforting me right now.
Hold me in prayer,
BlueBelle
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I read this sobbing n thinking about you, y r u the closest to my actual heart n farthest away. I feel we are so close n can be even closer but yet its so hard for us to communicate.Its not us, its so hard for ME to communicate cuz i've been hurt. It confuses me and in turn brings me a great deal of sadness. The kind of sadness that's not momentary but reveals itself whenever anything reminds me of you. Gosh darn it, the whole world is Blue. From the ocean to an oyster. I don't even eat oysters but you better believe if I do, I will be telling the waiter to take it back. I honestly wish we could've met under different circumstances, under different anything. Maybe i met u a second later or earlier then when I did things could have been totally different. I wish WE could be more open to the thought of each other. I just hoping u don't sleep on me cuz I'll show out and blush your cheeks, cuz I'm deep. honestly i wana continue.....
ReplyDeletehttp://www.imeem.com/katenash/music/aYCZHDmc/kate-nash-merry-happy/